Summer was over. A cool wind blew in the mornings and evenings, heralding a new season.
But autumn hadn’t started yet. During the day, bright sunlight poured down relentlessly, denying the coming of that new season.
Takahiro
“Sis?”
These days and their halfway repetitions of hot and cold did manage, little by little, to eliminate some of the heat that had built up in town.
Yes…
And the same went for the heat that I had been hanging onto since winter.
Takahiro
“I’m coming in.”
Setsuna
“…What?”
Takahiro
“Oh, you’re here? Why didn’t you answer me?”
Setsuna
“Of course I’m here. I haven’t escaped out the window yet.”
Takahiro
“Don’t make it sound that bad. No one’s imprisoning you here.”
‘I might as well be imprisoned.’
I had already lashed out like that more than enough for the past month.
Setsuna
“So? What?”
Takahiro
“Your dinner is in the fridge. Mom said to eat it if you get hungry at all. Oh, and they said on the news just now…”
Setsuna
“Don’t care. Leave me alone.”
Takahiro
“You don’t have to keep sulking like that… We’re all worried about you.”
Setsuna
“…”
For the past month, ever since that day, I had been confined. …Confined to a cell made up of the kindness of my family, and others around me.
I had felt horrible throughout the summer holidays, unable to take a single step outside.
Once the break was over, I did go back to work, but I’d been returning home at a regular time each day, instead of forcing myself to do overtime.
My boss had allowed it without much explanation required.
…Maybe that’s just how obvious the seriousness of my condition was at the time.
Takahiro
“Have you taken any medicine today?”
Setsuna
“…I’m all right.”
Takahiro
“All right because you took it? Or all right, so you don’t need to take it?”
Setsuna
“I’m going to work like normal. I’m completely fine.”
Takahiro
“But you run out of gas like this every weekend.”
Setsuna
“Well, that… Never mind. Get out, I’m going to sleep.”
Takahiro
“It’s only nine o’clock…”
Setsuna
“If my condition is as worrying as it is, then shouldn’t I go to sleep early? Come on, which is it?”
Takahiro
“…I know, I know. Sorry. Good night.”
Setsuna
“…”
Actually, my current state wasn’t all that dire.
The brief, drastic deterioration in my health had mellowed out since the summer break.
Mornings were still a little hard, but I could get up by the time I needed to leave.
I wasn’t sweating excessively, I could ride the train just fine, and I didn’t have any significant difficulties at work, either.
So, really, there were no problems at all. Everything was back to normal. I had managed to regain my old weekdays, and soon enough, I would regain my old weekends, too.
…But, that excuse didn’t pass with my family.
Dad had started to object to my weekend outings.
He’d said that going back to the same lifestyle would just bring about the same symptoms again.
That because I wasn’t pushing myself right now, because my main source of stress wasn’t there, I was just mistakenly assuming I had recovered.
In other words…
Dad believed that the main source of my stress lay in my weekends.
……
Takahiro had started treating me strangely carefully.
I mean, he had always been nice enough as a little brother, but now he handled me with kid gloves.
His usual retorts had clearly decreased in frequency. We never fought at all, over anything, big or small.
…As a result, we weren’t reaching clear-cut reconciliations any more, either. Our conversations lately always ended on a weird, uncomfortable note.
And Mom’s reaction hurt the most of all…
She didn’t question my actions with any real conviction. She didn’t worry over me any more than necessary. She kept watch over me from a certain distance.
But, just once, I saw it…
After waking up thirsty in the middle of the night, I came downstairs to find Mom sitting alone in the pitch-black kitchen, crying quietly.
Setsuna
“…”
After that, even going downstairs became troublesome, and I barely left my room on weekends…
Which left me unable to go to Minamisuetsugu, a single station away.
When I went down to the living room for the first time today, deliberately stepping loudly so as to be heard, there was nobody there.
I opened the fridge and, as Takahiro had said, there was a single serving left over from dinner, wrapped up and sitting alone on the middle shelf.
I didn’t touch it, however, instead taking a bottle of barley tea, which I had kept drinking even into September.
Setsuna
“…”
I poured the barley tea into a cup, sat down at the table, and drank it all in one gulp.
The cold tea penetrated my throat, and made my stomach hurt a bit.
As I looked weakly up at the ceiling, I felt as though the silent, empty living room were mocking me.
‘Look, there’s no one to see you.’
‘You could walk right out the door.’
‘You could go to him.’
Setsuna
“…”
It thrust all of my deceptions at me.
Talking about my family was just an excuse.
The only thing keeping my feet from moving was my own will. I was just scared…
The summer holidays were over. Summer was over.
And yet, ever since the day Haruki-kun sent me away, I hadn’t taken a single step forward.
Through no one’s fault, but my own will.
Using my family’s objections as a pretext, I remained safely here in the cell… no, in the cage, that was my own house.
Now that I had separated from him, the distance between us was starting to feel too suffocating to close again.
If I tried to close it right now, he might shun me. I might end up shunning him.
I could end up hurting him deeply. I could get hurt again.
But, if we kept moving apart like this, he might forget all about me. I might forget all about him.
He could break down even more than he already had. Or, maybe, having separated would bring him more ease.
I might not be able to stand the emptiness left after losing him. …Or, maybe I would be able to endure it, and start living an entirely different life, as though nothing had happened.
…Every one of these thoughts was terrifying.
I loved him. And, I was a burden to him. There was no denying either of these facts.
Then, did he love me? And was he a burden for me?
…Could I continue to have faith in him?
Could I follow him blindly, like she did…?
…Maybe a jealous girl like me wasn’t suitable for him.
What would it be like with her?
Would all this stuff I was worrying about not be any hindrance at all for her?
Not a matter of what she could do for him, but a matter of what she wanted to do for him—could I ever hold a candle to her…?
Well, Kazusa? What would you…
Narration
“Kazusa Touma takes on a new world…”
Setsuna
“…”
Narration
“This winter, Kazusa Touma, the pianist who caused a whirlwind in Japan, will finally resume her activities in earnest in Europe.”
Narration
“Her opening shot will be a collaborative performance with the Franz Dupré Orchestra.”
Narration
“Here on CS East Asia, we will be broadcasting exclusive live coverage of the concert!”
Setsuna
“Kazusa…?”
‘Now, for our next news item…’
……
Miyoko
“Thank you for calling. This is the Japan branch of Youko Touma Offices.
Miyoko
“Unfortunately, our business operations are suspended at present.”
Miyoko
“If this is an urgent matter, please call our headquarters in Europe. The number is…”
……
Kazusa
“What the hell is going on, Miyoko-san…?”
I hadn’t been able to get through for three months now. Maybe the Japan branch had just shut down completely.
I still wasn’t able to visit with Mom, and there was only one week left before the concert.
But, right now, my voice wouldn’t reach anyone…
Kazusa
“Ugh…”
As I lay down on the bed, an unpleasant fatigue slowly spread through my whole body.
Full-orchestra rehearsals were getting more intense by the day, and I was so swamped that I barely had time to sleep.
…Just me, the conductor, and the strings.
The brass section still amused itself playing cards, while the woodwinds, slightly more modern, had started playing fighting games against each other on portable consoles.
But no one noticed, so no one got mad.
…Well, of course. This was our fifth full-orchestra rehearsal, but at this point, the collective amount of time they had spent playing was less than an hour.
Really, they could have gotten angry and stopped showing up, but they simply paid no mind to my intermittent piano and the conductor’s scathing criticism thereof, and continued to pass these idle hours day by day.
How could an orchestra like this manage to keep existing?
…Or maybe I was the only one with problems.
Kazusa
“What’s the big issue, anyway…?”
It wasn’t a difficult piece at all. According to the score, I still hadn’t made a single mistake.
…But, this was the piece Mom had played most in her life. A piece that had been showered with applause in every corner of the globe.
In other words, there must be deep, hidden nuances that didn’t appear in the score itself.
That stupid conductor wouldn’t tell me. He just kept forcing repetitions, and no progress was going to be made until I could clear it.
Maybe… he was trying to tell me to listen to my own blood?
There was one full rehearsal left…
Normally, with timing like this, if things had progressed this little, we would seriously consider just calling a halt to the whole thing.
But this concert was not going to be halted, and it didn’t seem like anybody was going to lose out in the end.
Because, a few days ago, our concert had gained a sponsor.
And not a local instrument-making company, or a magazine, but a Japanese electronics company—the one that made the game consoles the woodwinds were playing on.
…Yes, before I knew it, this concert had fallen to the status of “Little Kazusa Touma’s Play-Recital,” just like the conductor had said.
And, the moment we were guaranteed to end up in the black, his attitude changed completely.
Dupré
“Superb! I should have known the Japanese would come through!”
Dupré
“To think any company would throw away so much money on such a shabby pianist… Truly, it is unfortunate that I, too, was not born Japanese.”
Dupré
“I’d heard that they were as serious as Germans, but they plainly aren’t as frugal.”
Dupré
“Yes, of course, of course, take as much time as you need.”
Dupré
“Even if the concert is postponed, your brilliant sponsor will make everything work out.”
Kazusa
“…!”
…And so, his ways of criticizing me simply grew in variety.
Really… How could anyone spend even a brief time with him…?
Mom’s taste in men was really horrible…
‘Hey, Mom… Is my piano playing really just play?’
‘Oh, come on. You know perfectly well that you don’t understand your own piano playing.’
‘…’
‘Well, I suppose Japanese people are the ones who would pay the most to hear you play right now.’
‘I haven’t been able to converse very well with the piano since I got to Paris…’
‘That’s a little weird. I don’t think normal people would say things like that.’
‘It’s just a metaphor! …But I’ll grant that I’m weird.’
‘…So, what does your little piano have to say to you?’
‘The sound of the orchestra is repelling it. …Even though it’s only played with the violins so far.’
‘Any idea what might be causing that?’
‘Well, obviously… it’s because you aren’t here.’
‘Kazusa…’
‘Why won’t you protect me? Why do you have to give me a trial like this…’
‘…I’m sorry.’
‘You don’t have to apologize. I just want you with me… I want you to protect me…!’
‘…I’m sorry, really.’
……
Kazusa
“…”
Yeah… I was weird.
I could only interact with people in my imagination. I couldn’t talk to the ones I loved…
Because all of the ones I loved had grown apart from me…
In the end, the only one remaining on my side was Flügel, my teacher.
But I couldn’t talk to him right now. I still hadn’t told him about Mom’s condition.
If he were to learn that his favorite pupil might be on the verge of dying before he did, he could lose his own will to live for much longer.
Kazusa
“I really just… don’t have any friends.”
I had always rejected the world.
Even my mother, the few people who supported me, and…
I thought that I could live quietly in this tiny world.
…But, maybe it was time for me to pay for persisting in such a selfish wish?
Not two of us, but three of us… Staying together…
Had my punishment finally arrived for betraying her, the one who said that, who wanted to be my best friend?
I wanted…
Someone to listen to me. My story, my piano playing.
To tell me I was okay, that I was sure to succeed, that Mom would get better. Even if it was a lie…
Kazusa
“Stop…”
My fingers moved on their own.
Moved through the numbers that I had long since erased from my phone memory, that remained only in my own recollection.
But… I couldn’t. I had sworn.
Kazusa
“Stop…!”
That we would never see each other again. Never talk to each other again. Never… love each other again.
I… I…
……
Setsuna
“Youko Touma Offices, European headquarters…”
There in my memo pad, I had written down a long phone number, country code included.
The number given mechanically by the answering machine for the Tokyo branch of the same company, which I had recorded just in case.
Kazusa was working hard at it…
Far, far harder than I was…
She was trying to take flight in the world. Trying to find her place as someone far away.
To stand on a great big stage in Paris, and perform in collaboration with an international orchestra.
Meanwhile, I wasn’t even performing on any small local live music venue stages…
…It was absurd to make a comparison like that, but the fact remained that these two things were happening at the same time.
Setsuna
“…”
…Then, what was I trying to do?
Why was I trying to get in touch with Kazusa? What did I expect to do if I talked to her?
Why was I trying to throw this bomb at Kazusa, when she had a once-in-a-lifetime performance waiting for her?
I didn’t know… Even I didn’t know why I was doing it.
Setsuna
“…”
But…
Now that I knew Kazusa was going strong. Now that I knew she was putting in good effort, and getting good results.
Now that Haruki was suffering constantly after his separation from Kazusa. Now that no one in Japan might be able to save him.
Now that I was on the verge of folding. Now that it looked like I might not be able to support him any more…
What if all three of us knew about the others’ current circumstances…?
What did she think of him now…?
Was she so busy, working hard, succeeding, that she didn’t have time to think about that?
And, what was happiness for her…?
Now that she had finally managed to follow in her mother’s footsteps, as she had longed to do since she was a child, was there no room for other happiness to wedge itself in?
No, I knew. I was certain.
However famous she might get, however much she might be acknowledged and loved by people all over the world…
There was less than a handful of people Kazusa really wanted to love her.
And being loved by those people was her greatest happiness.
Then, then, if I weren’t there…
If I hadn’t acted on my secret love, if I hadn’t toyed with the thread of fate between the three of us…
Would Haruki-kun not have broken? …Would he be happy with Kazusa?
And what would I have done?
Would I just have lived normally, in a world without him?
Surrounded by my same family, surrounded by some slightly different friends, would I have found my own sort of happiness?
And would Haruki-kun and Kazusa be happier than they were now?
Haruki-kun, his dependable self, and Kazusa, her adorable self, the two of them, together, naturally?
If I hadn’t been there, everything might have gone smoothly…
Setsuna
“Huh…?”
And, right before I pressed the final number…
The phone on my desk rang.
……
Kazusa
“Why am I calling her…?”
A forbidden number. The second on my list of numbers in Japan that I should never call.
Setsuna’s.
Living happily with Haruki in Japan… Living in society, among lots of other people.
The one I admired, the exact opposite of me. The one who had been my best friend… the first I ever had.
But I had destroyed that. Betrayed her. Not once, but twice.
She could tear me to pieces and I wouldn’t say anything. I must have been out of my mind, trying to get in touch with her.
And yet…
Kazusa
“Setsuna…”
I wanted to hear her voice.
I wanted to feel the air of six years before.
I wanted her to give me some energy, some happiness, no matter how small.
Even if she wanted to brag about her love life with Haruki. …Yes, even that would be enough…
Kazusa
“…”
But, it looked like it was all in vain.
The phone had rung and rung, and she wasn’t picking up.
She must have erased this hateful number from her address book.
And even if she did see my name on the screen…
No, that would be all the more reason for her not to pick up…
Kazusa
“Ah…”
……
Setsuna
“…Hey, Kazusa.”
Kazusa
“Setsuna…”
Of all the coincidences…
Setsuna
“Your number’s… still the same, huh?”
Kazusa
“Yours, too… And you didn’t erase me from your address list.”
Setsuna
“Of course I didn’t. I would never.”
Kazusa
“…Thanks.”
No. The only coincidence was in the timing.
Our exchanging words like this, at this time in our lives, must have been an inevitability…
Setsuna
“It’s been forever, huh?”
Kazusa
“Yeah… Like six years.”
Setsuna
“Wow…”
Come to think of it, the past winter…
We never… not in Strasbourg, or in Japan…
Setsuna
“I did see your concert, though. The additional one. You were incredible, Kazusa.”
Kazusa
“…I saw you perform, too. You were dazzling.”
Setsuna
“Thank you…”
But now, all of that was meaningless. I couldn’t do any shows.
I would never dazzle anyone again…
Setsuna
“Oh, yeah, you’re in Paris right now, right? That must make it… five in the evening, where you are?”
Kazusa
“Oh, right, sorry. It must be the middle of the night for you.”
Setsuna
“No, no worries. It’s Saturday. I have tomorrow off.”
Kazusa
“Oh… That’s good.”
Setsuna
“Paris, though! A concert in Paris! You’ve made it, Kazusa!”
I knew the excitement in my voice was slipping. I knew it was obvious.
No. This was wrong.
This would only increase the distance between us. Our hearts would move farther apart.
I wouldn’t be able to talk like this. Not about how Haruki-kun was doing, not about how I was doing…
……
Kazusa
“I’ve made it…? The concert isn’t until next week.”
Setsuna was wrong.
I was completely useless now. I was about to lose everything.
My last leaf was about to fall.
Setsuna
“Well, you’re playing with a super famous orchestra, right? Even that fact alone means you’ve already succeeded.”
Kazusa
“Yes, and the fact that they’re famous means that, if I screw this up, they’ll never have anything to do with me again. You don’t know tough audiences are here.”
Setsuna
“You’ll be fine! I know you can do it…”
Kazusa
“…Don’t just throw stuff like that out…”
Setsuna
“Ah… sorry. I got excited…”
What was she doing…?
This wasn’t right. I was the one who should be apologizing…
Kazusa
“O-Oh, no… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be getting mad at you over that…”
Had I forgotten what I did to Setsuna?
If I didn’t apologize, I couldn’t move forward. I wouldn’t be able to get her to listen to me.
It would just end in basic greetings and life updates. I wouldn’t be able to carry out my reason for screwing up my courage and calling in the first place…
So, what was I getting mad for?
Setsuna
“No… I slipped. I shouldn’t have said what I did. Really, I’m sorry.”
Kazusa
“Setsuna…”
And…
‘You’ll be fine. I know you can do it, Kitahara.’
Why did Setsuna have to remember that, too? Why not just me…?
……
Kazusa
“Um, so… how have you been doing?”
Setsuna
“Oh, I’m good! I’ve been pretty busy lately. Now that I’m into my second year, they don’t give me the rookie treatment any more.”
Kazusa
“You’re doing PR for a record company, right? Man, that’s cool. Must be a tough job.”
Setsuna
“Ah, not really… Well, I guess we are a little short-handed, though. Ahaha…”
Stupid. What was I even talking about? Why was I trying to get in touch with Kazusa in the first place?
And what was the point of lying? I wasn’t good. I was far from fine…
Kazusa
“So, um…”
Setsuna
“Y-Yeah?”
Kazusa
“…”
Setsuna
“…”
And now the conversation wasn’t even going anywhere.
I knew what Kazusa wanted to ask, but I kept lying, keeping everything a secret…
Why couldn’t I bring Haruki-kun up?
Kazusa
“L-Listen, Setsuna…”
Setsuna
“Uh-huh…”
Kazusa
“…”
Setsuna
“K-Kazu…”
Kazusa
“Sorry…”
Setsuna
“Huh…?”
Kazusa
“I had no right to call you, but I was too shameless not to do it anyway…”
Setsuna
“That’s not true! You haven’t done anything to apologize for.”
Kazusa
“Setsuna…”
Setsuna
“Nothing at all…”
Again… I’d done it again.
I hadn’t stopped Kazusa’s apology because I genuinely believed it was unnecessary.
I was just scared. If she apologized, that would mean I’d lost.
I would be forced to tell her about how Haruki-kun had been…
Even though I’d been wanting to get in touch with her specifically to talk about him. …I had been prepared to lose from the start.
Still, I froze. My fear halted my ability to think.
Even though, for me, for Haruki-kun, and for Kazusa…
This could be a path to search for new happiness.
Even so, I was afraid that the path to ruin would open to me alone.
I was as horribly selfish as ever…
……
Kazusa
“Oh, your little brother is at Houjou University now, right? Everyone in your family is so impressive…”
Setsuna
“Impressive? Not at all. He couldn’t even get an endorsement from the high school, and he barely scraped by in the general entrance exam.”
Kazusa
“…Is that a jab at me, for barely scraping by until graduation, without getting anywhere near an endorsement?”
Setsuna
“Ohh, right… I forgot about that.”
Kazusa
“You little…”
Setsuna
“Ahaha, sorry. Oh, so, changing the subject…”
Kazusa
“Yeah?”
After that… our conversation continued sticking to inoffensive topics.
Though we talked about high school, we didn’t touch on our study group or the school festival.
When talk turned to my concert, I didn’t bring up my mother.
I couldn’t close the distance between myself and Setsuna. Maybe because it had been so long.
…Well, of course I couldn’t. I was still a shut-in in my twenties.
Now what…?
I wanted to ask… about Haruki.
I wanted to know if he was happy, if he was working hard.
I wanted to talk… about how I was really doing.
About Mom, the concert, the future… I wanted her to hear just a bit of it. To understand just a bit of it.
And so…
Kazusa
“Um, it’s about time…”
Setsuna
“Huh? Oh, yeah, it is getting a little late. Sorry to keep yammering on when you’re so busy.”
Kazusa
“Oh, no, I didn’t mean…”
No, never mind.
If I asked about that, my sins would graze up against Setsuna’s wounds again.
It would just be circling around again.
Kazusa
“Thanks, Setsuna. For talking to me.”
I couldn’t even let out one complaint. I couldn’t tell her any of my worries.
I couldn’t ask about Haruki. Nothing came of this call.
Setsuna
“…Call me again some time, okay?”
Kazusa
“You, too.”
Setsuna
“Yeah…”
No, that wasn’t true. I got to talk to Setsuna.
I wasn’t able to apologize, but Setsuna accepted it.
We may have both been wearing our masks, we may not have been able to reconcile yet, but she still laughed.
That was enough. Now I could throw myself into it again, starting tomorrow.
Kazusa
“Good night.”
Setsuna
“Good night.”
So…
Kazusa
“…”
No… that wasn’t true.
Kazusa
“Setsuna! I…!”
Setsuna
“I’m sorry!”
Kazusa
“Huh…?”
……
Setsuna
“I’m so sorry, Kazusa! I don’t know if I can do it!”
Kazusa
“S-Setsuna…?”
My head went blank.
Setsuna
“I don’t know if I can save Haruki-kun… I don’t know if I can save our man!”
Kazusa
“Wh…”
I didn’t really understand what I was screaming right now.
Setsuna
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry! You entrusted him to me! You turned him over to me! And now I might not be able to protect him…!”
Kazusa
“Why…”
But, I did know this much.
If I didn’t do this now, she would disappear again.
Setsuna
“Ah… aah… aaaaaaaaah!”
Kazusa
“Why is this happening?!”
The goddess who could save Haruki-kun.
The guide who would show me the way…
……
Kazusa
“Do you understand? Do you really understand what you’ve done, Setsuna?!”
Setsuna
“I, I… aaaaah! I-I’m sorry, I’m sorry, forgive me… Forgive me, Kazusa!”
Kazusa
“Do you know how much I cried?! Do you know how ripped apart I was when I gave up on him?!”
Setsuna
“I know! I know I know I know!”
Kazusa
“But all of that was because I believed that you, Setsuna, you were the only one who could save him!”
Setsuna
“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry! But I’ve been hurting, too! It’s hurting me so badly!”
Kazusa
“What, so you’re giving up?! You’re abandoning him?!”
Setsuna
“B-But… You were the one who gave up in the first place! You let go of him!”
Kazusa
“I don’t want to hear that from you! You were the one who took him at the beginning of this whole damn thing! You stole Haruki from me!”
What the hell…?
Setsuna
“What now? What am I supposed to do now, Kazusa?! Help me! You have to help me!”
I knew the woman was selfish, but oh my God…!
Kazusa
“Don’t act like some kind of tragic heroine and ignore everything that’s inconvenient for you! I’m the one who needs you to help me!”
Setsuna
“What are you talking about?! You’re the one who’s making it big over in Europe!”
I was genuinely pissed off.
Kazusa
“No! I’m in Hell here! My mom… My mom is…!”
I had the life and death of someone I loved on my back, and I was struggling to the death with it…
And here she was, telling me that she couldn’t support the one man I had ever loved…
……
Setsuna
“Ah… ahhh… Uaaaaaaaah!”
Kazusa
“Why the hell are you crying?! This has nothing to do with you!”
Setsuna
“But, but… your mom… It’s so…!”
Kazusa
“That’s right! My mom! Not yours!”
Setsuna
“What are you going to do? What are you doing?! That’s so horrible! Why aren’t you with her right now?!”
Kazusa
“Mom told me she wanted to hear this. She wants to hear me play this concerto!”
Setsuna
“But, still! What if you end up regretting this for the rest of your life…?”
Kazusa
“I’m gonna regret it for the rest of my life if I don’t play this for her. I can only have one thing! This is what I’ve always wanted!”
Setsuna
“…Y-You mean…”
Kazusa
“All of this… all of this is because of you!”
Setsuna
“I don’t know that! I can’t take all of that responsibility! Haruki-kun is all I have!”
Kazusa
“You are taking that responsibility, then! You won’t give up on Haruki!”
Setsuna
“Of course I won’t! So you have to keep protecting your mom!”
Kazusa
“That’s not what you just said, though! You were on the verge of giving up on him!”
Setsuna
“I didn’t say that! I never said anything like that!”
Kazusa
“No, you absolutely did! Five minutes ago you said it!”
Setsuna
“You don’t have any proof of that!”
Kazusa
“You liar! Coward! Thief! Give him back… Give Haruki back to me!”
Setsuna
“This isn’t the time to talk like that! Why! Why do we have to end up like this…!”
Kazusa
“Ugh… Ah… aaaaaaaaah!”
Setsuna
“Kazusa, Kazusa…! I… aaaaaaah!”
Self-justifying, unreasonable lashing out, pretending not to hear, wailing, shifting responsibility, playing the tragic heroine…
The two of us…
We were both making free use of every single method that was the most hated in girl fights.
……
Kazusa
“…”
Setsuna
“…”
Kazusa
“Give him back.”
Setsuna
“No.”
Kazusa
“Give him back.”
Setsuna
“No!”
Kazusa
“You don’t see how pitiful I am? How can you not sympathize? How cold can you be?!”
Setsuna
“I don’t care what you say.”
Kazusa
“I’ve got a concert coming up. And my mom… I’m in a hundred times more pain than you are.”
Setsuna
“I’ll do anything else. Call me, and I’ll come to Paris, or to Vienna, and look after her.”
Kazusa
“I’m not calling you.”
Setsuna
“But I’m not giving him back. I’m reclaiming Haruki-kun.”
Kazusa
“Really? You think you can do that.”
Setsuna
“I will… Even if we break up, even if he drops me, even if he goes back to you…”
Kazusa
“…”
Setsuna
“I’m going to make him the old Haruki Kitahara again.”
Kazusa
“The old… Haruki.”
Setsuna
“Serious, hardworking, preachy… A liar, a traitor, cold-hearted… The one who always loved a girl who wasn’t me…”
Kazusa
“…Hmph.”
Setsuna
“But it’s my natural right as a woman to save the man I love.”
Kazusa
“And what about my own right?”
Setsuna
“Whatever desperate measure it takes, even if it means prostrating myself before my rival in love, I will accomplish this.”
Kazusa
“…Ignoring me again.”
Setsuna
“I’ll say it again… I’ll do anything else, but I won’t hand him over.”
Kazusa
“That’s up to Haruki.”
Setsuna
“Even if he’s easily stolen away, even if he just drops me without a second thought, I won’t hand him over.”
Kazusa
“Jesus Christ…”
Fuck…
I already knew how stubborn she was, but she was proving it again.
Truly… strong.
I only wished I could be like that.
……
Kazusa
“I’m hanging up for real now.”
Setsuna
“That was a pretty long call…”
Kazusa
“What time is it there?”
Setsuna
“Don’t know… but it’s starting to get light out.”
Kazusa
“So, like, four or five in the morning?”
Setsuna
“This is ridiculous. I feel like I’m in middle school.”
Yeah…
In love with love, crying over the boy we liked, like a pair of best friends in middle school.
Kazusa
“I don’t think I’ll call again.”
Setsuna
“Okay…”
It was our final, best, worst fight.
There weren’t any regrets left between me and Setsuna.
So, I wouldn’t hold her back any more, either, like I always did.
We would never look up at the same sky again.
Kazusa
“I don’t repent of any of this. I won’t let anybody say a word about us.”
Setsuna
“Yeah.”
Kazusa
“The decisions we made are ours alone. I’m not unhappy. I do have regrets, but I don’t take any of it back.”
Setsuna
“You can do it… Keep it up, Kazusa. Keep it up!”
Kazusa
“Don’t tell me to keep it up. I’ll end up pushing myself too far and collapsing.”
Setsuna
“Then enjoy yourself, slack off, play around, and become the best pianist this world has ever seen.”
Kazusa
“I don’t need you to tell me that. Of course I will. I’ll be something you two could never reach.”
Setsuna
“Yeah…”
Kazusa
“And… feel free to regret breaking off your friendship with me for the rest of your life.”
Setsuna
“Ah… ah… Kazusa…!”
Kazusa
“Serves you… right.”
Kazusa
“…Goodbye.”
This was our finale.
……
…
.
Setsuna
“Good morning!”
Setsuna’s mother
“Oh, you’re awfully early to… Setsuna?”
Setsuna
“Hmm? What?”
Setsuna’s mother
“…”
Setsuna
“What’s wrong, Mom?”
Setsuna’s mother
“Um… your eyes are red.”
Setsuna
“Yeah, I got into a big fight last night!”
Setsuna’s mother
“A fight… Don’t tell me it was with Kitahara-san?”
Setsuna
“Nope, with a friend of mine. We were arguing over the phone until morning.”
Setsuna’s mother
“I… see.”
Setsuna
“I’m starving… Do you mind if I just make something for myself?”
Setsuna’s mother
“Go… ahead…”
Setsuna
“Let’s see, what do I want? Bok choy, Vienna sausage, and, um… Oh, can I open up a can of tuna?”
Setsuna’s mother
“…”
Setsuna
“…Seriously, what’s wrong?”
Setsuna’s mother
“Oh, nothing, nothing.”
Setsuna
“Are my eyes really that swollen? Oh, boy. Well, it’s just because I stayed up all night.”
Setsuna’s mother
“So, it… really isn’t anything… I guess.”
Setsuna
“All righty… I’ll make an omelet, then…”
Setsuna’s mother
“…”
Setsuna
“Sorry, Mom, if you don’t have anything else to do, could you scramble the eggs for me?”
Setsuna’s mother
“Huh? …Oh, yes, of course.”
Setsuna
“Then, one more thing…”
Setsuna’s mother
“…”
Setsuna
“Hey, Mom?”
Setsuna’s mother
“Oh, how many eggs?”
Setsuna
“Sorry, I’ve got a lot going on. Three, I think.”
Setsuna’s mother
“You’re apologizing… what, for your health? But that’s out of your control.”
Setsuna
“No, I mean what I’m about to do. I thought I would apologize in advance.”
Setsuna’s mother
“What you’re about to do…?”
Setsuna
“Yes. Ahem… Um, this is very difficult to say…”
Setsuna
“But your daughter, Setsuna Ogiso, as of this hour on this date, is going to return to her unreasonable, self-indulgent self.”
Setsuna’s mother
“Setsuna…?”
Setsuna
“The fact is, I love Haruki-kun.”
Setsuna
“I loved him then, I love him now, and I’ll love him in the future. I want to walk through life with him.”
Setsuna
“…The rest of my life, if possible.”
Setsuna’s mother
“…”
Setsuna
“As of today, I’m going back to being a commuting girlfriend. I’ll be away all weekend again. Sorry about that…”
Setsuna’s mother
“…”
Setsuna
“You’re not saying anything… Is that your way of saying ‘OK’?”
Setsuna’s mother
“…I can’t decide that on my own. You’ll need to get your father’s approval first.”
Setsuna
“Ah, well, I’m tired from staying up all night, so I’ll leave that to you. I’m going to be leaving before Dad gets up.”
Setsuna’s mother
“That makes it even less likely that he’ll approve!”
Setsuna
“Well, then I’ll leave the house altogether and crash at his apartment. …Actually, I feel like that might be better for his recovery.”
Setsuna’s mother
“…You’re awfully confident. Just the other day you were crying because of how hard it was to leave.”
Setsuna
“If I’d just lived there from the start, I wouldn’t have to go out at all. Why didn’t it occur to me before? It’s so simple… Silly me.”
Setsuna’s mother
“Setsuna…”
Setsuna
“Now… I think that’s about all I need. I’ll just pack this into a lunchbox…”
Setsuna’s mother
“That wasn’t for your breakfast?”
Setsuna
“It was… We’ll eat it together at his place.”
Setsuna’s mother
“…”
Setsuna
“Mom… Listen, I…”
Setsuna’s mother
“Take care of Kitahara-san.”
Setsuna
“I will…!”
……
Sorry to make you worry, Mom. Sorry, Dad. I know you’re going to keep worrying about me.
I’m all right. I’ve made up my mind.
I’m going to spend the rest of my life fighting by his side.
……
I had spent so much time feeling impatient.
I wanted Haruki-kun to get back to his old self as soon as possible.
The serious, determined, cool working man. The wonderful man who loved me.
But, really…
He didn’t have to go back completely. I could spend the rest of my life healing him slowly.
I could spend the rest of my life getting him to turn around, slowly.
……
A full recovery could come at our dying moment.
I could be pulled in myself, along the way. …Well, that might not be completely ideal.
The point was, we could fight together, at our own pace.
We could love each other, at our own pace.
……
Sometimes with no resistance, sometimes gingerly, without getting angry, without getting impatient, without sadness…
We could live like that, calmly.
I would tell him that, and push my way into his life again.
And so…
Sorry to make you worry, Dad. Sorry, Mom. I know you’re going to keep worrying about me.
I would love that unfaithful man—
…No, that man who was deeply faithful to a woman other than me.
From now on. Forever…
Setsuna
“I’m back!”
Setsuna
“Sorry, I know I haven’t been by in forever. My ‘summer fatigue’ wound up lasting a liiittle bit longer than I expected it to.”
Setsuna
“Oh, but I’m already all better, so I’m here to get you to cancel my ban from entering!”
Setsuna
“Haruki-kun?”
Setsuna
“Haruki…kun…?”
If you left the apartment building, passed by Minamisuetsugu Staion, passed by the gates to Houjou University and the attached high school, you would end up at a riverbank.
If you threw yourself down on the grass there, your nose would be met with a strong scent. The weeds seemed to have maintained their summertime tenacity.
It was a lovely river, considering its metropolitan location, with lots of vegetation around, so the winds that blew through in the morning were very refreshing.
The moderate sunlight, the moderate breeze, and the moderate melody of the wind and water together.
If you lay down in a pleasant place like this, it was natural to find yourself possessed by drowsiness before five minutes had passed.
And, to me, the magical power of the whole thing was almost too strong…
Yawn…
……
But…
Through the filter of drowsiness over my sense of hearing, I caught the sound of footsteps that were somehow familiar.
…Well, no, since I was accustomed to stepping hard on asphalt, the “familiarity” might just have been a simple assumption.
Setsuna
“Found you, Haruki-kun…”
Haruki
“Of course you found me. I left a note saying where I was.”
But, it turned out my assumption was correctly rewarded…
And standing before me was someone I had been longing to see.
Setsuna
“I was a bit surprised when you weren’t in your apartment, though…”
Haruki
“This place is close to the high school, right? Takeya used to skip class and nap here. Of course, I would always come and wake him up later…”
But, in order to hide the fact that I had been waiting so eagerly, I deliberately sidestepped her questions.
Setsuna
“Do you come here a lot?”
Haruki
“Almost every day, lately.”
Setsuna
“So, you can go out now…”
Haruki
“I’m still not great with crowds, but this place is comfortable.”
Almost every day since the start of September, from morning to evening.
I left early, walked slowly through town, and rested by this riverbank.
Taking in the sunlight and the wind.
Sometimes it would start raining, and I would hurriedly move under the bridge.
Gazing at the flow of the river, listening to the insects, smelling the grass…
In this way, I came back into contact with the world.
Setsuna
“How…?”
Haruki
“How what…?”
Setsuna
“How were you able to do this again so suddenly?”
Haruki
“Well, it wasn’t really sudden. I’ve been going out for little bits at a time since a while ago.”
Setsuna
“Even though you were alone. Even without me there with you…”
Ah… I had been wondering where that slightly grim air in her tone was coming from.
The reason that she couldn’t quite feel satisfied…
Haruki
“Well, if I had to say… it was a matter of time.”
Setsuna
“Time…?”
Haruki
“The doctor told me I had to do this kind of thing with the intention of keeping it up for a long time… I was just following that.”
Setsuna
“Time…”
Haruki
“What is it, Setsuna?”
Setsuna
“Then… Then, that means…”
Haruki
“Hm?”
Setsuna
“Everything I’ve been doing was completely pointless…?”
Haruki
“No, it’s not that… But, I guess it’s just that not all of it was by your own power.”
Setsuna
“…Of course. You were only able to recover like this while I wasn’t around.”
Haruki
“Well… I’m aware that this is going to sound pretty harsh, but it’s true.”
Setsuna
“…That does feel like one of your usual unkind ways of putting things.”
Haruki
“Then, I’ll give you one of my usual lectures, too. …Don’t ever put yourself through so much for my sake that you break down again. There’s really no point in it in the first place.”
Setsuna
“You’re talking like you’re completely innocent…!”
Haruki
“I decided that would be an easier way to live. Let it go.”
Setsuna
“…”
I could tell Setsuna was grinding her teeth… out of frustration, and with some happiness, too.
From that concealed expression, I felt confident—that I was acting and speaking as myself.
That I could be Haruki Kitahara.
……
Without Setsuna by my side, I stayed broken.
But I think that just having her there still kept me broken.
Medicine and check-ups, the understanding of people around me, effort, and the passage of time…
All of these were crucial for me, but in the end, time wound up being the most effective of them all.
The fact that Setsuna worked so hard for me, that she wore herself out and had to retire partway through, and that she came back today…
To Setsuna, it may have seemed like a dramatic change, but for me, it was one process in the course of my long treatment.
It wasn’t that my symptoms took a turn for the worse once Setsuna left, or that I felt some kind of responsibility for her breakdown and started working harder to overcome this.
Setsuna’s understanding and support were necessary, but not indispensable; Setsuna’s overexertion and withdrawal were bitter, but not lethal.
I knew she wouldn’t be happy with that, but it had to be that way—it couldn’t be any other way.
Setsuna wasn’t all-powerful. She wasn’t Superman.
Just my…
Setsuna
“Hey, Haruki-kun…”
Haruki
“Yeah?”
Setsuna
“Did you know Kazusa’s going to be doing a concert?”
Haruki
“Yeah. I always read the newspaper, so I know.”
Setsuna
“…Are you interested?”
Haruki
“I mean… of course. If I weren’t, I wouldn’t have wound up like this.”
Setsuna
“…Do you miss her?”
Haruki
“…That’s not a very nice question.”
Setsuna
“Then, um… If she… If her feelings for you were…”
Haruki
“Hey, Setsuna.”
Setsuna
“Huh…?”
Haruki
“What do you want to do?”
Setsuna
“Wh-What do I… Listen, last night, Kazusa and I…”
Haruki
“Do you really want to put that much stress on me, right as I’m finally starting to get better?”
Setsuna
“Stress? No, I…”
Haruki
“Stress doesn’t just come from harsh, painful things. You heard the same explanation when you went to the hospital with me, remember?”
Promotions, marriage…
Even wonderful events like those, which are considered life goals, could be as stressful as they were exciting, and take a toll on your body.
I had been told this since my first diagnostic visit.
Setsuna
“B-But, but…”
Haruki
“But what?”
Setsuna
“I’m useless, right? I’m a meaningless existence to you.”
Haruki
“You always run from extreme to extreme like that. Maybe we should start going to counseling together?”
Setsuna
“Then, you should have someone meaningful… someone who can be more helpful than I can…”
Haruki
“Setsuna…”
Setsuna
“…”
I still didn’t have all my strength back, physically or mentally, so my appeal was still frail.
Even so, Setsuna reacted to my words with a jolt.
Had she picked up on the stronger feelings behind what I’d said?
…If she had, I would be happy.
Haruki
“Setsuna… you came straight to me today. We hadn’t seen each other in a month, but you didn’t even hesitate.”
Setsuna
“Well, that was… because you left a note in your apartment…”
Haruki
“Yeah… For the entire month that you haven’t been coming by, I’ve left a note every time I went out.”
Setsuna
“But, that means…”
Haruki
“Do you think just anyone could see those?”
Setsuna
“…Ah…”
Haruki
“It was a message that only one person, the person with a spare key, could get.”
Setsuna
“…”
A call or a text might have served the same purpose.
But that would have put unnecessary pressure on Setsuna.
Setsuna
“Y-You…”
Haruki
“Hm?”
Setsuna
“You believed that I would come back?”
Haruki
“No way. Not at all.”
After I had chased Setsuna out, I had no other way of connecting with her.
Haruki
“I hoped you would.”
…Yes, Setsuna was the only one I wanted to connect with.
Even if there was no big point to it, even if she wasn’t “useful”…
I needed Setsuna.
Normal Setsuna—not all-powerful, but not breaking down on my behalf, either.
Because I loved her. It was that simple.
……
…
.
Kazusa
“What the hell…”
I peeked out at the audience from between the curtains, and saw that it was fully packed, up to the very top level.
…Audience members here were seriously loud, so it was impossible to judge the number of spectators from sound alone, but this number was higher than I expected.
Were they all here for this completely nameless Japanese pianist… or was it the power of Franz Dupré?
Five minutes to show time.
Yes, today was the day of the concert. The hour had finally arrived…
Even I couldn’t tell whether I felt confident or not. …Well, maybe that in and of itself was a sign that I didn’t.
I wasn’t even sure whether I was adequately prepared—wasn’t sure of anything at all…
Kazusa
“Ah…”
And the root of all my troubles dared to stand right next to me.
Well, it was a piano concerto, so it made sense for the conductor and the pianist to stand next to each other, but still.
Dupré
“How do you feel? None of the exhaustion from rehearsal left, I hope?”
Kazusa
“You’ve got a lot of nerve, asking me that…”
Yesterday’s rehearsal, the final one, was a whole new level of fierce.
As it was the very last, he finally had us play the thing properly.
For the first time, I was able to play along with the full orchestra, not just the strings.
Of course, that didn’t mean the monomaniacal fault-finding subsided at all…
And our final rehearsal, which had begun yesterday at 6 p.m., ended today, the day of the concert, at 2 p.m….
With four hours before the show, our twenty-hour rehearsal reached its time-out.
In other words, none of the orchestra members had slept, and here we were, about to plunge into the big performance…
Dupré
“You feel ready, don’t you, Kazusa?”
Kazusa
“Eh.”
And, after all the horrible treatment—harassment, really—I had endured, this was all I had to say before the show…
No sleep. Not nearly enough rehearsal. In fact, we hadn’t played the whole thing, start-to-finish, even once.
Anyone who could claim to feel confident under these circumstances would have to be an unthinkable genius, or that hairs-breadth step away, equally unthinkable…
Dupré
“I promise you, today will be the best performance I lead all year.”
Kazusa
“Huh…?”
As though he had seen right into my mental cursing…
No, it was the brimming confidence of an arrogant conductor, who had never dealt with this sort of little girl’s sniping.
Dupré
“So, be certain you give the best performance of your life. You should be capable of that now.”
Kazusa
“…What?!”
And then he forced this image of success onto the same little girl he had just been treating so lightly.
Dupré
“…If you don’t do that much, Youko won’t be satisfied, will she?”
Kazusa
“Huh…?”
Then, did that mean…
Dupré
“Give her the relief she needs.”
Kazusa
“You… heard about Mom?”
Dupré
“From Flügel, yes. They’ve had a massive speaker brought into her hospital room, and the two of them are rooted to the television right about now.”
Kazusa
“My teacher…? W-Wait, no, more importantly…”
Why did this man know so much?
Were there all sorts of people I didn’t know, working in places I didn’t know, for me and Mom?
Could it be that, for this concert…
I wasn’t just working by myself the whole time…?
Kazusa
“You… I mean, maestro…”
Dupré
“Yes?”
Kazusa
“Did you really… Did you and Mom…”
Dupré
“Unfortunately, you are not my daughter.”
Kazusa
“No, I know that…”
Dupré
“When I met her, you were one year old. …At the time, Youko traveled the world with that tiny baby in her arms.”
Kazusa
“…Really?”
Dupré
“You were quite a troublesome child, but no matter how much you cried, Youko could put you to sleep in an instant by playing for you. You were her greatest pride, as a prospective ultimate pianist.”
Kazusa
“…”
Dupré
“So, there are a great many performers in the world who see you as a daughter. Myself included.”
Kazusa
“But you made a move on me, a long time back.”
Dupré
“That was then. This is now.”
Kazusa
“…Right.”
This was getting too fishy. I wasn’t sure how much to believe, out of all he said.
Dupré
“I hope your father hears you play the piano, some day.”
Kazusa
“…Yeah.”
But… in the past few days, I had managed to demonstrate more than clearly enough that my ability was the real thing.
Maybe, just when it came to this performance, I could trust what this crook had to say.
Maybe, in the course of those days that felt so futile, some new strength had sprouted in me.
Dupré
“Now, it’s time… Let’s go, Kazusa.”
Kazusa
“Right.”
Mom, the old man, Miyoko-san, Emma-san…
And all the other people connected to my piano playing, though I had no idea how many there were…
My greatest, most hated rival. And the one I would never see again…
Kazusa
“…”
I wanted all of them to hear me play…
Really, I wasn’t all that confident… but today was likely to be the beginning of a legend.
……
Setsuna
“It’s starting.”
Haruki
“Yeah…”
There she was, on the other side of the screen.
There she was, looking as though I could reach right out and touch her, even though she was thousands of miles away.
Dressed in the same black dress that she wore at that performance in Japan, stretching her spine out straight, she boldly faced off against the piano, as though there were no audience there.
As always, she shone onstage. …Even though, as soon as she went back to her apartment, she would spend all her time sleeping, rumpled and untidy.
Setsuna
“I hope everything goes well.”
Haruki
“It will. She would never screw up and fail at the piano.”
Setsuna
“Yeah…”
The same attire, the same performer, and—present here—the same spectators.
There was a feeling of tension, as though this space alone had returned to half a year ago.
But…
Setsuna
“Ah…”
Haruki
“…”
Setsuna
“…”
There were differences.
The distance, the location, the number of audience members.
And, above all…
The feelings of the two of us here were different from what we felt then, like we might be ripped apart.
Setsuna
“So, if you hoped I would come back… U-Um, does that… does that mean…”
Haruki
“Calm down, Setsuna.”
Setsuna
“You wanted to be with me…?!”
Haruki
“…Yeah.”
Setsuna
“Then, why… Why did you send me away back then?! Why didn’t you say anything to me after?!”
Haruki
“Because I didn’t want to see the one I loved breaking down… You yourself know how painful that is.”
Setsuna
“…”
Haruki
“So I couldn’t drag you in with me. I couldn’t tie you down forever. …I wanted you to be happy.”
Haruki
“I wanted you to think seriously about what path would make you the happiest, not for my sake.”
Haruki
“And I hoped that, after you thought long and hard, your conclusion would be to come back to me.”
Setsuna
“Why did you hold yourself back that way…? Why didn’t you try to take me?”
Setsuna
“You never felt like you wanted to fall with me, even though you knew it might ruin us?”
Haruki
“Hm… No, I didn’t. That’s not pleasant for you to think about either, right?”
Setsuna
“…You would take Kazusa by force, though. You wouldn’t mind falling with her.”
Haruki
“…She’s not like you, Setsuna.”
Setsuna
“…Yeah, I can tell.”
Haruki
“Knock it off… I haven’t recovered completely yet.”
Setsuna
“Sorry… But, but…”
Haruki
“It’s not a matter of who’s right or wrong now. …It’s different.”
Setsuna
“But, still… I’m going to be jealous of Kazusa for the rest of my life. When I compare myself to her, I start crying and getting angry.”
Haruki
“…Don’t push yourself that hard.”
Setsuna
“Fine… I’ll get jealous calmly, then. I’ll cry and get angry, but in a relaxed way.”
Haruki
“I don’t know what you want me to say right now…”
Setsuna
“…”
Haruki
“…Let me just say one more thing.”
Setsuna
“Hm?”
Haruki
“I have always loved you. …Since the first time I told you so.”
Setsuna
“Haruki-kun…”
Haruki
“Even when I betrayed you, even when she stole my heart, I never forgot you.”
Setsuna
“…”
Haruki
“…That’s why I broke. It was partly because of you.”
Setsuna
“You brought that on yourself.”
Haruki
“Yes, I did. And I pushed it all onto you, like a jerk.”
Setsuna
“Heehee…”
Haruki
“This might just be more harshness on top of everything else, it might be rubbing salt in your wounds, but…”
Setsuna
“…”
Haruki
“But, what I’m trying to say is…”
Setsuna
“Come to think of it…”
Haruki
“Hm?”
Setsuna
“What you said…”
Haruki
“Huh?”
Setsuna
“You’re talking to me like I’m your girlfriend again. Your tone…”
Haruki
“Is that bad?”
Setsuna
“No, I don’t mind. …Of course I don’t mind.”
Haruki
“Okay.”
……
And…
After a time—long or short, I couldn’t tell—Kazusa and the orchestra ended their performance…
The sight of the hall, erupting into applause, filled the TV screen in my apartment.
It was a show of astonishingly high praise.
And, in response to their cheers…
The young Japanese pianist, and the top conductor in Paris, gave a spirited exchange.
Kazusa stood up from the bench, basking in the unbroken applause of the audience members.
The conductor, shaky on his feet after throwing everything into the performance, approached her and offered his hand.
And Kazusa, even with her usual surly expression, took his hand and clasped it, in a show of ultimate respect.
At that moment, the applause and cheers of the audience roared even louder through the hall… but that moving scene wasn’t where it ended.
After that, the conductor, caught up in the moment, moved to embrace Kazusa—but she, clearly having anticipated this, stamped hard on his foot and repelled him.
That moment was when the excitement of the audience truly hit its peak.
…Setsuna was gazing at my own surly expression at that point, giggling to herself, but that’s another story.
……
…
.
Interviewer
“Kazusa Touma-san, thank you for speaking with us today. First, let me congratulate you on your performance.”
Kazusa
“Thanks…”
And, with the broadcast time nearly at its end…
The interview with the TV station began.
Interviewer
“The performance appeared to be an enormous success. The audience sent you out with a standing ovation…”
Kazusa
“Th-Thank you very much. I was a little nervous about giving my first performance in Paris, so that was a relief.”
Interviewer
“On top of that, this was your first time performing a piano concerto. What was that like for you?”
Kazusa
“Well, um… I was working with a lot of highly skilled individuals, so I feel I was able to give a better performance than usual, thanks to them. I’m grateful both to Mr. Dupré and to everyone in the orchestra.”
Interviewer
“Talking of Mr. Dupré, what was that, right after the performance?”
Kazusa
“…It’s our usual way of greeting each other. He’s an old friend of my mother’s.”
Incredible…
Kazusa was actually managing to respond to an interviewer…
She was a little stiff, and her answers were a little formulaic, but she was making it happen.
And the most surprising thing was that Kazusa was interacting with the media at all, even if it was only for a local TV station…
In Japan… When I was fake-managing her, she wouldn’t give so much as an autograph…
She had changed… no, she had grown up. Kazusa had grown up…
She had a natural gift with the piano, but nothing remotely like that in any other area of her life.
She drew the notice of everyone around her, but she was a shut-in.
This unsociable slacker of a pianist, who has happy as long as she had the piano and pudding…
It made me feel happy, and a bit left-behind, at the same time…
It wasn’t just a matter of being on different sides of a screen any more—she was well and truly somewhere I couldn’t reach.
What was that…?
Where was this sense coming from, like I was some kind of guardian to her…?
……
And so, Kazusa’s interview proceeded astonishingly smoothly…
Interviewer
“Now, to finish up, do you have a word or two for our viewers?”
The time had come for her to disappear once again…
From the screen, and from me.
Kazusa
“…”
Interviewer
“Touma-san?”
But, at the very last moment, she showed just a bit of her old face—the Kazusa Touma that wasn’t used to people.
Like she was thinking about something, looking around, looking down, breathing deeply.
Then, she slowly raised her face, and…
Kazusa
“Zamaamiro!”
Interviewer
“Huh?”
Setsuna
“Huh…?”
Haruki
“Ah…”
At the very end, she spoke a word in a language from a country that was foreign to her now—a word meaning, Just you watch.
Kazusa
“That’s Japanese for ‘I will continue my efforts.’”
Interviewer
“…I see. Thank you very much!”
Just now…
At whom was Kazusa’s message of provocation directed…?
It wasn’t me. No, it wasn’t only me.
It was probably…
Setsuna
“I guess that’s really it, then…”
Haruki
“What is?”
Setsuna
“Kazusa and I are going to be rivals eternally. …Because of you.”
Haruki
“…Sorry.”
It was a message of farewell.
A special one, filled with extraordinary love.
They really were ultimate enemies now, these two.
That night, we made love for the first time in a very long while.
It was gentle and tender, like the evening calm.
……
Kazusa
“Phew…”
It was over…
Kazusa
“I did it…”
I had pulled it off…
Kazusa
“I did it… I did it, damn it…!”
I hated being led by that monomaniac, but… the fact remained that it had been my best performance.
Well, for now. I fully intended to outstrip it myself before long.
Still…
Kazusa
“Are you satisfied, Mom…?”
It wasn’t the sort of piano playing that ought to leave me unable to face my mother.
It had been a chance to show Mom something I’d never shown before…
Something I’d never shown them in Japan before. A chance to show off how cool I could really be.
So…
Kazusa
“You’ll cheer up now, right…?”
As soon as I got home, I would head straight for the hospital from the airport. I was looking forward to hearing what she had to say.
No, considering who we were talking about, I should probably expect either “It was all right” or “You’ve still got a way to go,” but…
If not words, then her expression, the color in her face…
I could judge how well I’d done based on how much better she was looking.
So, I made a plea to God.
Give us some more time as mother and daughter. Another hundred years, if possible.
Kazusa
“Ah…”
And, whether or not it had anything to do with the request I had just made…
A name appeared on my phone, with timing that was both natural and unnatural.
Kazusa
“Teacher?”
Martin Flügel.
My teacher, and Mom’s teacher.
A retired old man, who rarely held lessons any more because of his age.
Kazusa
“Come to think of it, Dupré did mention that you were involved in this concert…”
But his influence in this industry was immeasurable as ever, and if he cared to, he could even force the number-one orchestra in Paris to open up their schedule…
Kazusa
“Huh…?”
But this formidable old man’s words, though I had a hard time picking out his meaning in German, were a little too panicked for a congratulatory message…
Kazusa
“Mom is…?”
He just repeated a certain name, over and over…
Kazusa
“What about Mom?!”
‘It’s very serious. Youko is, Youko is…’
……
…
.
Kazusa
“Mom?!”
I rushed from the airport to the hospital in a taxi, and found the bed deserted…
And a nurse, bringing new sheets for the bed, found me sitting on the floor in shock.
‘Oh, if you’re looking for Youko…’
Kazusa
“Who the hell said you could leave the hospital?!”
After that, I found no one at home, so I contacted everyone I knew, until I finally pinned down her location.
She was grappling hard with the piano, this woman who had been like a husk until mere days before…
Kazusa
“Mom, I swear to god!”
Youko
“Quiet!”
Kazusa
“?!”
She turned to look at me, but her fingers didn’t stop moving.
In fact, the intensity of her expression matched that of her actions, and it made me wince hard.
Because what I saw in it was…
Youko
“…Don’t get full of yourself just because you garnered a tiny bit of praise in Paris!”
Kazusa
“Wh-What…?”
Anger, sarcasm, obsession…
Youko
“What was that performance supposed to be? You were just getting dragged along by the orchestra!”
Kazusa
“Look, I know that better than any…”
And the root of it was unquestionably…
Youko
“You think that was your real ability? Surely not. Surely you aren’t operating under an embarrassing misapprehension like that.”
Kazusa
“You’re the one with the embarrassing misapprehension, Mom…”
Jealousy, wasn’t it?
Youko
“Th-That… That piano playing! I could surpass it easily, if I put the smallest bit of effort!”
Kazusa
“I never said I surpassed anything…!”
When I called back from the hospital room, trying to find Mom’s whereabouts, the old man repeated himself, with exaggerated grief.
‘It’s terrible. Youko, Youko has…’
‘…regressed to the age of thirty.’
Youko
“Easily…? Of course, a little girl who grew up with a gifted education and rose up on her mother’s coat-tails would carry herself easily.”
Kazusa
“That’s not how a mother is supposed to talk…”
He said she had become that same immature, inexperienced, wild young person, full of ambition, jealousy, and conflict…
Youko
“How long do you think it took me to climb this far? I’m not going to be satisfied with a few rave reviews for your first concerto!”
Kazusa
“Mom…”
What the hell…?
Youko
“And I’m going to prove it to you… at the New Year concert…”
Kazusa
“What, you think you’re gonna make a comeback? By the end of the year?!”
Youko
“You’re going to perform too, of course. We’ll play the same piece, in the same place, to the same audience, and they’ll judge which of us is better!”
Kazusa
“Whoa, wait… I don’t want to do that!”
A mother-and-child act?
It was like a dream, like a nightmare…
Youko
“Oh? Are you running away from the fight already? I don’t recall raising such a chicken.”
Kazusa
“Why do you only act like a mother when it suits you?!”
Youko
“I’m going to use up the life that remains to me… I won’t lose to you, Kazusa, even if it means shaving a hundred remaining years down to fifty.”
Kazusa
“That’s not shaving down. It’s a normal lifespan.”
And my costar-to-be was this woman who had been laid up in a hospital bed until mere hours before, now so fervently jealous of her own daughter’s piano playing that she had forgotten all about her illness and decided to make a complete comeback.
This childish, earnest Youko Touma…?
My head was spinning…
Miyoko
“Aha! There you are!”
Kazusa
“…Miyoko-san?”
Her oddly familiar words, in that voice to which I had become so accustomed from the answering machine lately, hung over her blanched face.
I truly had no idea what was going on…
Miyoko
“How could you, Youko-san? You said you would have someone pick me up at the airport!”
Kazusa
“Huh? What? Why…”
I had never managed to get in touch with her, with the Japan branch office. I assumed, therefore, that it had closed down.
I thought I would never see her again.
Miyoko
“I told you what my arrival time would be! Two weeks ago, in fact!”
Youko
“Oh, sorry, Miyo-chan. I forgot.”
Miyoko
“You forgot? You pulled me all the way here to the European headquarters, and you were about to leave me out in the cold?!”
Kazusa
“Headquarters…?”
…No.
Apparently, the Japan branch had been closed.
Miyoko
“Kazusa-san! Say something to your mother, will you!”
Kazusa
“Miyoko-san… What are you doing here…?”
Miyoko
“Oh, of course the most important person wasn’t told! What did I fly all the way here for?!”
Kazusa
“The most important person… hang on…”
Youko
“Yes, Miyo-chan, it’s time for your first task. I need you to pin down a concert hall for the end of the year. As big as possible! You can put off starting your work as Kazusa’s manager.”
Kazusa
“My manager…? Miyoko-san?”
Miyoko
“Oh, honestly, I have no idea what’s going on here! I abandoned Japan, and any marriage prospects I might have had, because you Kazusa-san’s life depended on it!”
Kazusa
“What…”
I was the one with no idea what was going on…
Youko
“No one said you had to abandon marriage. You can find a nice man here.”
Miyoko
“I-I will, won’t I? I’ll find someone nice…?”
Kazusa
“Hey…”
I was the one whose head was spinning.
And I was the one with all these weird emotions gushing out, one after another…
Kazusa
“You can’t… You can’t be serious! What the hell is this?! It’s a joke!”
Why had this many people gotten involved with me and Mom…?
Why were this many people working for my sake, dedicating themselves to it, forcing themselves unnecessarily…?
It didn’t make any sense…
Miyoko
“Really, I should be the one saying that, but… Well, whatever. We’ll make it work, right, Kazusa-san?”
Kazusa
“Give me a second, Miyo-chan…!”
‘There are a great many people in the world who see you as a daughter.’
What was I supposed to take from this?
Was I not really the idiot I thought I was?
……
…
.
Goodbye, Haruki.
Goodbye, Setsuna.
I’m going to live here, among other people.
From now on. Well…
Maybe.
Winter will come, and so will spring.
Setsuna
“I’m so sorry!”
Tomo
“…”
Setsuna
“I’ve been so terrible to you! After you did me the favor of inviting me to the show…”
Tomo
“Setsuna…”
Setsuna
“I know you must be furious… but, you’ll forgive me, won’t you?”
Tomo
“Hang on, hang on, Setsuna! You’re assuming all you have to do is apologize, and I’ll forgive you immediately? Do you think I’m some kind of doormat?”
Setsuna
“Oh, um… I don’t think I’m doing that. I mean, I am sort of depending on your kindness, but…”
Tomo
“Rgh…”
Haruki
“Hey, Yanagihara-san… Don’t blame Setsuna too much, okay? The whole thing is really my fault, if we go all the way back.”
Tomo
“Well, yes, that’s definitely true.”
Io
“Oi…”
Haruki
“I fully intend to make it up to you. Hey, I could loan her out to you this weekend. Why don’t you take another trip or something?”
Tomo
“Hrgh…”
Takeya
“Haruki… really isn’t taking Tomo seriously at all.”
Io
“So? Isn’t that a good thing? You can tell from how sly he’s being that he’s basically cured.”
Setsuna
“Well, um… there’s something I want to ask you about, now.”
Tomo
“Oh? There’s more?”
Setsuna
“I’m thinking that maybe I do want to sing, actually. …At today’s tenth anniversary show.”
Tomo
“R-Right now?”
Setsuna
“Yeah… since it’s for Troy. I owe them a lot, you know?”
Tomo
“That’s literally what I said back when I first invited you.”
Takeya
“Hey, now, with a big party like this, what’s wrong with jumping in at the last minute?”
Tomo
“But what about rehearsals? The members have already made all their preparations, so we’d have to talk to them first…”
Setsuna
“Oh, they already said yes.”
Io
“We were just talking to them backstage. All of them were totally good for it.”
Tomo
“…I’m not sure how I feel about you going straight to them and skipping over me, either.”
Io
“Hey, don’t say that. You know you want to hear her too.”
Takeya
“C’mon, Tomo!”
Tomo
“I’m a very dangerous woman, I’ll have you know! Any man who treats me like a little girl gets burned! Don’t talk to me like some puppy dog!”
Setsuna
“Well, time for me to go! Oh, it’s been so long! I’m gonna kill this!”
Io
“Remember, it’s not karaoke, okay? This is a live show.”
Tomo
“Hang on, Setsuna! You need to put makeup on before you go onstage!”
Takeya
“She’s so jumpy…”
Io
“What’s wrong with that? She hasn’t messed around like this in a while. And today’s a party, right?”
Takeya
“Yeah, good point… Guess we’d better go claim our spots in the front row, then. Haruki?”
Haruki
“I’m… gonna go. I only came here to see you guys, anyway.”
Io
“Wait, what? You’re not watching the show? How long has it been since Setsuna performed?”
Haruki
“I’m still not too great with crowds…”
Takeya
“Huh…”
Haruki
“I can’t push myself too hard and make stuff worse. I’ll work to get myself all better in time for the next show. By then, I’ll have everything back in top form.”
Io
“No, don’t ‘work’…”
There was no season that wouldn’t come, sooner or later.
Haruki
“…As of today, I’m returning to my job here.”
Suzuki
“…”
Haruki
“You have my deepest apologies for the burden that I put on all of you for so long. Also, I’ll be working in the spirit of a newbie again, so I hope you’ll all be patient with me.”
Matsuoka
“…”
Haruki
“That said, there might still be some things I can’t handle yet. I might put new burdens on you all.”
Kizaki
“…”
Haruki
“But, eventually, I will pay my debt back to all of you. I’d like to ask you to think of me in the long term for now…”
Suzuki
“So, hey, how long is this gonna go on?”
Haruki
“Huh?”
Hamada
“Hey, Suzuki…”
Matuoka
“No, look. I’m sorry to cut you off at the best part of your speech, but I’m just about to send this stuff in to press.”
Kizaki
“I need to head out on a trip, too.”
Haruki
“Oh… Sorry. I, um…”
Suzuki
“You understand, right, Kitahara-kun? The editorial department can’t afford to waste time like this so early in the morning.”
Haruki
“Yes, I understand…”
Hamada
“K-Kitahara…”
Matsuoka
“All right, we’re done here. Let’s get to work, everyone!”
Kizaki
“Hamada-san, will you check these approval documents for me? I want to get them through before I leave.”
Hamada
“No, hang on, all of you…”
Haruki
“It’s okay, Hamada-san…”
Matsuoka
“We’ll pick up where we left off at eight o’clock tonight, at Hirotami by the station front!”
Haruki
“Huh?”
Suzuki
“What? That’s so boring! We shouldn’t have left Macchan in charge of organizing this thing…”
Kizaki
“You don’t have to say that. You know what his wallet looks like before payday.”
Matsuoka
“Shut up! Kizaki-san, make sure you actually come back from your trip today.”
Kizaki
“I know, I know. But I’ll be coming from Fujisawa, so go ahead and get started without me.”
Suzuki
“And we won’t force the alcohol, either. You can stick with oolong tea after the toast.”
Kizaki
“Also, just let me know when you’re ready to go home, and I will graciously show you out.”
Matsuoka
“We’re still accepting kind thoughts, so feel free to speak up, Hamada-san!”
Hamada
“No way! Not before payday.”
Suzuki
“Stingy!”
Kizaki
“Kitahara’s special day is ruined…”
Matsuoka
“Normally, I’m pretty sure you’d at least talk something over with the editor-in-chief…”
Hamada
“Shut up! Don’t you all have work to do?!”
Suzuki
“Right, right, time to open up shop!”
Kizaki
“See you later!”
Matsuoka
“Work, work, work! ♪”
Hamada
“I swear to God, those three…”
Haruki
“…”
Hamada
“What’s wrong? Feeling a little lost after so long?”
Haruki
“No, it’s not that…”
Hamada
“Hm?”
Haruki
“I was just thinking about how I finally made it back… Back to my home ground, probably.”
Hamada
“…Not just ‘probably.’”
And no season that wouldn’t end.
Setsuna
“Haruki-kun…”
Haruki
“What is it, dummy?”
Setsuna
“If you keep calling me a dummy like that, I’ll keep getting dumber.”
Setsuna
“I’ll love you so much that I’ll never be able to hate you, no matter what you do to me.”
Haruki
“…Stupid…!”
Setsuna
“Are you okay? Are you cold? Does anything hurt? …Are you having a hard time at all?”
Haruki
“I’m fine, I’m fine… I just…”
Setsuna
“You just…?”
Haruki
“I just feel like I’m doing something wrong. Falling for you again…”
Setsuna
“…Doing something wrong to Kazusa?”
Haruki
“Wrong to you.”
Setsuna
“…”
That was obvious. It was a fact of nature.
Takahiro
“Huh? You’re back, Kitahara-san?”
Haruki
“Sorry to show up this late. …Are your parents around?”
Takahiro
“Yeah, they are, but… I don’t think they’ll come out to see you.”
Haruki
“All right… thanks. I think I’ll wait here for a little longer, then. …Sorry if this starts any weird rumors in the neighborhood.”
Takahiro
“…Nah, they all know already. You saw the lady from next door dropping something in our mailbox, right?”
Haruki
“Yeah, I saw…”
Takahiro
“Listen, Kitahara-san… You’re really serious about marrying Sis this time, right?”
Haruki
“Yep.”
Takahiro
“…I appreciate how quick and straight-faced you answered that, but you know it’s my job as her little brother to be suspicious.”
Haruki
“I understand why your parents object, though. I’ve done a lot of dishonorable things, and then I got sick…”
Takahiro
“You shouldn’t have said it that outright… it won’t do anyone any good.”
Haruki
“That’s how I am. I want my future family to see me with nothing to hide.”
Takahiro
“You’re really hard to handle, you know? …You’re a good match for my sister.”
Haruki
“Ah. Ahaha…”
Setsuna’s mother
“Dear… Kitahara-san is still waiting outside.”
Setsuna’s father
“So?”
Setsuna’s mother
“We ought to acknowledge him… for Setsuna’s sake, too. Though I don’t think anything like that is going to happen again.”
Setsuna’s father
“Quiet! You expect me to trust anything that man says?!”
Setsuna’s mother
“We could at least listen to him.”
Setsuna’s father
“No, he’s too eloquent. If we listen to him, he’ll win us over by the end.”
Setsuna’s mother
“We’re far older than he is. That seems like sort of a pathetic excuse for avoiding him…”
Setsuna’s father
“The point is, we can’t do this yet! …We can wait until Setsuna has calmed down a little more.”
Setsuna’s mother
“If you keep talking like that, Setsuna’s never going to come back from his apartment again.”
Setsuna’s father
“…”
Seasons would come and go, independently of our own lives.
Setsuna
“Hey, why don’t we go do some karaoke after this? I mean, I’ve already got three tickets…”
Takeya
“Yes, yes, okay, very smoothly done!”
Setsuna
“Yay! I’ll go ahead and call the usual place…”
Takeya
“Right, right…”
Io
“…Hey, Takeya.”
Takeya
“What?”
Io
“When are you gonna tell everyone? About us.”
Takeya
“Urk…”
Io
“You said you would do it today, but you didn’t bring it up at all, this whole time we’ve been hanging out.”
Takeya
“But, I mean… now?”
Io
“You’ve been saying the same thing for the past six months! Pull it together! Are you a man or not?!”
Takeya
“You’re a lot more masculine than I—okay, sorry, sorry! Um, okay, as we’re all leaving…”
Io
“We’re about to go to karaoke! No one else is gonna hear! It’s the perfect chance!”
Takeya
“What, am I supposed to grab the microphone and shout it out right there?”
Io
“Well… No, that would be embarrassing, but… You know, actually… that might not be too bad.”
Takeya
“Are you serious?! When did you get so impatient?!”
Io
“You’ve been after me since middle school! Don’t tell me you actually lose interest the second you sleep with someone, like everybody said?!”
Takeya
“Where did you hear that?!”
Tomo
“How long are we going to have to wait for those two to come out with it…?”
Haruki
“Make sure to act surprised when you hear it, okay?”
Tomo
“What? Why do I have to work that hard?”
Setsuna
“Yes, yes. So, that room, and… There are five of us, so five hours.”
Haruki and Tomo
“Two hours!”
So, we could move from season to season, together.
Hamada
“How many times do I have to tell you?!”
Haruki
“If some other magazine grabs this, it’s over! We have to squeeze it in now!”
Hamada
“My point is, I don’t have the authority to set a budget like that!”
Haruki
“That’s exactly why I’m asking you to negotiate with the higher-ups! The associate editor, the editor-in-chief, the bureau director… the president, if you have to!”
Hamada
“You can’t drop something this big on me right before a deadline, you idiot! If you want it to happen that badly, then go and negotiate yourself!”
Haruki
“…”
Hamada
“Wh-What? What’s your deal? Anyway, I…”
Haruki
“Did you hear that, Matsuoka-san?”
Matsuoka
“Ah, well…”
Haruki
“Did you hear that, Suzuki-san?”
Suzuki
“Ah, yeah, yeah…”
Haruki
“And you, Kizaki-san?”
Kizaki
“Every time! Every single time! How do you guys not get tired of this?”
Hamada
“What on earth are you getting at, Kitahara?”
Haruki
“Oh, nothing. Well, I guess I’ll go have a talk. Can’t hurt to try. Right?”
Hamada
“I mean, if you think you can, knock yourself out.”
Haruki
“…Thank you. Excuse me.”
Hamada
“…Hey, will one of you stop him?”
Kizaki
“Who would’ve thought he’d come back this completely…?”
Matsuoka
“I think we all had a feeling, actually.”
Suzuki
“…Well, maybe.”
Kizaki
“He clearly isn’t having to try too hard… For someone so low on the ladder, he’s awfully good at handling people.”
Matsuoka
“Hamada-san, the copy editor, his boss…”
Suzuki
“Those are all the same person.”
Hamada
“You three… Well, whatever. There’s no way the higher-ups will go along with a gamble like this.”
Kizaki
“I wouldn’t underestimate him… Kitahara’s crafty.”
Hamada
“Hmph! How long do you think I’ve been a copy editor? A youngster like him…”
Kizaki
“He probably knows… what’s going to happen in next week’s staff reassignments.”
Hamada
“…What?”
Matsuoka
“Huh? What’s that mean?”
Suzuki
“Oh, is Hamada-san up for promotion to associate editor? In that case, the budget scale he could handle would also…”
Kizaki
“Yeah, if only that were all…”
Hamada
“…”
Kizaki
“I heard this from someone in HR… Apparently, a certain elite is coming back to our department from America… as editor-in-chief.”
Matsuoka
“F-From America…?”
Suzuki
“Editor… in-chief?”
Kizaki
“…”
Matsuoka
“…”
Suzuki
“…”
Hamada
“…Gaaaah! Enough!”
Matsuoka
“So, copy editor—I mean, associate editor…”
Suzuki
“Congratulations on your promotion. That was an awfully short spring, though…”
Winter, spring, summer, autumn.
I needed her in every season.
Setsuna
“You’re not pushing yourself too hard, are you?’
Haruki
“I’m not. I came back before midnight yesterday, didn’t I?”
Setsuna
“Only five minutes before… I mean it, okay? Be careful.”
Haruki
“Sure, but you were snoozing when I got home.”
Setsuna
“Th-That was… because I have an event on Monday, and I was busy getting ready for it…”
Haruki
“That so?”
Setsuna
“W-We’re not talking about me right now!”
Haruki
“It’s all right… No matter how many times I relapse, you’ll cure me. I’ll come back every time.”
Setsuna
“You always gloss it over like that… Well, I guess I’m letting you do it, but…”
Haruki
“All these years, and we haven’t changed at all.”
Setsuna
“In both a good sense and a bad sense.”
Haruki
“We’ll probably be like this forever, the two of us.”
Setsuna
“…Yeah.”
……
Setsuna
“Ah…”
Haruki
“What’s wrong, Setsuna? It’s this way.”
Setsuna
“Haruki-kun, is that…”
Haruki
“Yeah…”
Haruki
“…Let’s go together.”
Setsuna
“…Okay.”